


It'll be perfect

by Isabeauu



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 01:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5072491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabeauu/pseuds/Isabeauu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m thirty-two, I’m not supposed to be in this position. I shouldn’t have to think through whether or not I’ll take chemo or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It'll be perfect

“Good morning, mister Koskinen.”

Sauli greets the doctor Adam and him had seen too much of as of lately. “I just got out of surgery from mister Lambert. Everything went well and there were no complications. He’s in recovery now but he should be back in his room in about an hour.” Sauli nods, relieved that everything went well and the surgeon took his time to come and tell Sauli personally. “He’ll be sleeping most of today due to the anesthetics, so I’ll come by tomorrow morning so we can discuss further treatment if necessary. 

“Okay. Thank you so much for everything.” Sauli stands up to shake the doctors hand before he turns around to leave the room and Sauli’s left alone again to wait for Adam to come back.

\--

 

The world is blurry and too bright when I open my eyes. I immediately close them again and take a deep breath. The hand holding mine shifts and tightens its grip around mine.

“Adam?” I recognize the voice, how could I not, and I want to answer but before I can, I feel myself slipping away again.

The second time I wake up, the room is darker, better. I keep my eyes open and look around in wonder, slightly disorientated for a second. But when I see the white walls and my handsome boyfriend on an uncomfortable chair to my left, my hand firmly wrapped in his, I know exactly where I am and why. So I close my eyes again to hopefully forget about it. When I can’t, I sigh and turn my head to the left so I can at least look at Sauli instead of the dull white walls printed in my mind. He’s sleeping, and with a small smile on my face, I can’t help but stroke the top of his head for a bit with my free hand. He pushes his head into the touch and that brings the smile right back on my face. I keep stroking until he snuffles and opens one eye to see where the touch is coming from. When he sees my open eyes, his head jumps up and he looks so relieved.

“Adam.”

“Hey baby.” My voice sounds raw but that’s probably the anesthetics rather than anything else. “How’re you?”

Sauli chuckles. “Are you serious?” I shrug and smile. “You, my man”, he kisses my hand, “should only worry about you right now.”

“I was asleep. You were not.”

It’s Sauli’s time to shrug and I squeeze his hand in answer. “Sauli.”

“ _Adam”,_ he stresses. “I’m good. The doctor came by after surgery and told me everything went well. I’m okay. Really.”

I take a deep breath and have to close my eyes again to process that. “It went well?”

Sauli kisses my hand and holds it close to his heart. “Everything’s gone. You’re okay.”

I can’t keep myself from thinking _not really_ , though, but almost. I get what he means though, so I just smile and squeeze his hand.

“I love you”, he whispers and kisses my hand.

“I love you, too”, I whisper back and pull him close enough to force him to get up on the bed. He tries to protest for a while but when I ask nicely, he gives in. And with my head on his shoulder, I fall back asleep.

 

\--

 

Sauli enters the room only a couple minutes before the doctor comes in. I’m halfway through breakfast with cold coffee because it was brought in hours ago. When Sauli lights up at the sight of coffee and takes a big gulp, I shut my mouth with a grin breaking through. Sauli sputters and gives me a look that would normally make one scared, but he never scares me. And when his face also breaks out into a grin and he sticks out his tongue, he proves exactly why.

“Hi baby”, I smile sweetly and tout my lips. “Sleep well?”

Sauli leans in for a kiss and hands me back my cold coffee. “You know you could ask for new, warm coffee, right?”

I shrug around a bite of my bread. “I have water. Much better anyway.”

“People will forget you’re a celebrity”, he winks.

“Good.”

Sauli smiles and sits down right when the doctor comes in.

“Good morning. How are you feeling today, Adam?”

It’s sad that he’s on first name basis with us. “Tired still.”

“How’s the pain?”

“I’m good with the pain meds.”

“Good. If you ever feel like they’re not doing the trick, feel free to ask for one extra. Now, I wanted to talk about further treatment. As you know it would depend on whether or not we were able to remove the entire tumor or not, but I’m pleased to inform you that we were, so the decision is up to you. Everything looks good as of now.”

Sauli looks at me, wordlessly asking me what I want. I give him a look screaming that I have no fucking idea what to do next because I’m scared. Scared that the fucking cancer cells will come back. And scared of losing my hair when I decide on taking chemo. There’s no winning situation here, no matter what I choose, I lose.

“Does he have to decide right now?”

“No, I know it’s a hard decision that needs to be talked over. You’ll have to come back in two weeks when all the swelling has gone for another echo. Depending on that result, you can still decide on further treatment or not. If you do decide on chemo treatment, it is advised to start as soon as possible.”

“Do you think it’ll come back?” I’m not sure if I want to know the answer, but I do need to know.

“We can’t predict these kind of things, but in your case I think chances of cancer cells growing back are small. We were able to take the entire tumor out and removed the testicle altogether.”

I nod and barely register Sauli squeezing my hand. “Okay. Thank you.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow before your discharge and then I’ll see you in two weeks to discuss the new echo results.”

He shakes my hand and does the same to Sauli before stepping out of the room. The only thing left is silence. I’m staring at the wall ahead of me with a hundred thoughts running through my head. Not one of them makes much sense right now. I’m thirty-two, I’m not supposed to be in this position. I shouldn’t have to think through whether or not I’ll take chemo or not.

“You okay, baby?” I’m glad Sauli breaks through the mess in my head. I turn to look at him with a tired smile and close my eyes for a moment.

“I think so.”

“You should get some more sleep, you look tired.”

“I’ll sleep when you’re going home.”

“I’ll be here the entire day, honey. And your parents and Neil will be here soon enough, so you should get some sleep right now.”

I want to tell him no, but with my eyes already drooping, I don’t get a chance to.

 

\--

I’d lie if I say I’ve never woke up from a bad dream. I have, but not like this. It was never this hard to get rid of the shaky feeling I woke up with. I’m not screaming with terror, and I don’t sit upright within one second (I physically wouldn’t be able to anyway). It seems as if I’m pulled out of the nightmare in slow motion, straight into the nightmare that is currently my life, even though it should all be over by now. I still worry. A lot. A lot more than Sauli or anyone else knows. And when I finally open my eyes, I see both my parents’ eyes fixated on me.

“Hi honey”, mom immediately stands up from her chair and is at the side of my bed in less than five seconds. “Are you okay?”

“Hey mom, dad.” I’m glad they’re here, especially since I can’t see Sauli anywhere inside this room, but I need a moment to calm down and that’s hard when someone immediately starts asking questions I have no idea how to answer to. “Where’s Sauli?”

It works. They’re both (at least temporarily) distracted. “He’s outside making a phone call.”

Oh. “Okay.” Would it be considered pathetic if I ask to go get him because I need to feel his arms around me? I don’t know, but I don’t ask either way. My dad does for me.

“Want me to go get him? He asked to get him whenever you woke up, anyway.”

“It’s okay. He could probably use a couple minutes away from my bedside”, I try to joke lightly.

“How are you, bud?” My dad tries again. Damnit.

“Good, considering everything.”

“Sauli told us everything went well. We’re so happy, Adam.” Mom wraps me in a tight hug, and it’s not Sauli’s arms around me, but I still hold on just as tight and don’t let go for at least half a minute. Which kind of blows my cover of being okay, but I don’t think they took that to begin with.

Sauli’s in the doorway with a small smile painted on his face and when he sees me looking at him he walks in and closes the door with a _hey baby_ and I’m not even ashamed of the grabby hands I point in his direction. I want him close and I want it now. Without it being sexual, of course, because that won’t happen for a while.

“Hey. I missed you.” Which is ridiculous because I was asleep all the time he was gone. I literally woke up two minutes ago, yet craving – needing – his touch to calm my heartbeat made it feel like a much longer time.

He smiles at me and retakes his position where I last saw him – next to me on my bed, my head resting on his shoulder. I want to turn on my side to cuddle closer to him, but the moment I raise my pelvis off the bed to turn, a stabbing pain makes me hiss and fall back on the bed.

“Shit. You okay?”

I’m not fucking okay. I’m in pain, and I’m scared and I don’t know why the fuck any of this is happening. It shouldn’t be. God fucking damn it.

Tears fill my eyes until everything’s blurry and I turn my head away from Sauli hoping he won’t notice. But of course he does. He’s like a hawk when it comes to me. He sees everything, as much as that annoys me sometimes.

I don’t want Sauli to look at me differently. And not being able to turn on my fucking side will most definitely do exactly that. At least, in my head it will. It makes perfect sense there. I feel different, it looks different I’m sure, so…

“Adam. Baby, look at me.” I don’t. I also don’t open my eyes for a short while, and when I do open them my parents are gone and I’m alone with Sauli. “Do you need me to get a nurse?”

I need a break, that’s what I need. But I won’t get one. Not for another couple of weeks, and probably not for the rest of my life. I will always be worrying about every little ache possibly being cancer. “No. I should know not to make sudden movements. My fault.”

He doesn’t smile. Or snicker or giggle, and somehow it annoys me. But I keep the feeling to myself because the last thing I want to do right now is fight. I don’t have the energy for it.

A knock to the door stops Sauli from giving an answer when a male nurse walks in. “Hi, I’m Jacob. I’m here to change the bandages. If you could wait outside for a couple minutes… it won’t take long.”

Sauli looks at me again and sighs. He presses his lips against mine quickly and leaves without a word. And somehow that stings more than I want to admit to.

“That’s one dedicated boyfriend you have”, Jacob smiles while setting up everything he needs on the night table. I watch him work for a while and say nothing. “I don’t think he’s not spent one minute of visiting hours away from your room.”

“Yeah”, I sigh. “I wish he would. He stops thinking about himself whenever I’m in trouble.”

The nurse laughs and asks me to take off my pants. Something I’ll never get used to, no matter how much they come in to change the bandages, which hasn’t been too much luckily. The bleeding has stopped so thankfully the bandages are able to stay on longer right now. “How’s the pain? It’s been a couple hours since your last pain meds.”

“I only just woke up. I just try not to move too much. It helps.”

“Does it hurt when you move?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to have a look if I can get you another pain killer after I’m done, okay? You shouldn’t be in pain.”

“They make me sleepy.”

Jacob nods and starts working on getting the old bandage off. I hiss when he presses a bit too hard. “I’m sorry. On a scale of one to ten, how much pain are you in?”

“I don’t know. Seven, maybe. Not when lying still, though. It’s okay, then.”

“I know they make you sleepy, but the pain is going to be the worst today, so you definitely still need the stronger ones right now. Starting tomorrow or the day after we can look into giving you a milder pain killer.”

There’s not much I can do about that. They’re doing their job like they should, and I can only be thankful.

“How does it look?” Jacob looks up at me. “Is that a weird question?” I can feel myself blushing.

“It’s not a weird question at all. It looks good. The bleeding has stopped, and the stitches are looking good.”

“Do you think I’ll – uh? The scar…”

Jacob grabs the new bandage and applies it so I can pull up my pants again (without boxers on doctor’s order). “There is going to be a scar. I’m afraid there’s no way in avoiding that, but it’s going to be small and barely noticeable when healed nicely.”

I don’t feel reassured like I’d hoped to. It does nothing to my feeling of feeling different all of a sudden. “Okay.”

“Any more questions?”

“No, it’s good. Thank you.”

“When you do, feel free to ask when someone comes in, or push the red button if you want to.”

“Thank you”, I smile friendly.

 

\--

 

I can’t help but smile at seeing my closest friends and family in my living room, holding a big banner in front of them decorated with all sorts of colors – and glitter, which I’m pretty sure was all Danielle’s doing. “Welcome home!” I shuffle closer to everyone trying my best to leave the pain out of my expression and hug the shit out of every single one of them.

 

\--

 

After two weeks of living in doubt and anxiety, I get the best news possible. “All the tests came out perfectly fine.” Yet I don’t feel any better. “Let me check on the wound real quick and then you’re all ready to go.” I’ll never get used to pulling down my pants for a doctor or nurse to look at my testicles. “Have you decided on further treatment?”

“Are you sure it’s not going to come back?”

“There’s no way of being sure, but since we were able to remove the entire tumor, I’m hopeful it won’t.”

“I don’t want to – I mean – I don’t know.”

“How about a check-up in a month or so, and we’ll screen again to make sure? Would that be a good option for you?”

“I – yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.”

Six months sounded so long. Six months is a long time for cancer to grow, right?

“Okay, you can make an appointment with my secretary.”

“Thank you.” And with a handshake and good news to take home to Sauli, I’m out.

 

\--

 

Sauli snuggles close and frowns. Sadly, that’s become a regular thing. He kisses my neck and lets his hand slip to my hip. “What’s with the boxers?”

He want to slip his hand inside them but I stop him before he can.

“Sauli.” Another kiss is pressed to my neck, and then my collarbone, and then my shoulder before I grab both of Sauli’s shoulder and push him away lightly. But with that look on his face, I might as well have pushed him to the other side of the room. He looks hurt – to say the least. “I’m tired.”

“I just wanted to –” He looks at me in wonder and sighs without finishing his sentence. “Fine. Goodnight.” He snuggles close to his pillow instead of me.

 

\--

 

It takes Sauli four weeks to finally lose all of his patience and snap. “When will you tell me what the fuck’s wrong?” And I totally saw this coming. I mean, he had to break at some point, but it still comes like a punch to the gut and leaves me completely speechless. “Are you still in pain and you don’t want to tell or”, he waves his arms around, “I don’t know what this is, what it means, Adam. Tell me.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing when you haven’t let me _touch_ you in four weeks.”

“That’s not true.”

His face goes from wonder to anger. “Oh, I’m sorry. No, okay, you let me touch you until it turns to anything remotely close to being intimate.”

I close my eyes so I don’t have to look at the anger on his face. Hearing it in his voice is more than enough for me to handle right now. I can hear it sipping through his voice, so clear in his words. “Did I do something? Because if you’re not in pain, I have no idea what could possibly explain your –”

“Will you _shut up?!_ ”  Sauli’s clearly taken aback by my reaction, and when the first wave of shock is over and it changes to anger – but more clearly _hurt_ – I feel like the biggest asshole walking this planet. “You have no fucking idea what’s going on.”

“Because you won’t fucking talk to me!”

I can’t even blame him or tell him he’s wrong. Because he’s not. He’s so right it hurts. I don’t know what to say, Sauli.”

“Well you could start with why.”

I look away from Sauli’s piercing gaze and swallow the knot stuck in my throat. “I –” and somehow there are suddenly tears, which is when all the anger flows out of Sauli and his comforting arms and words are around me within five seconds. I lean in and hug him back, let him kiss my scalp and whisper bittersweet words to me. “Please talk to me. I’m sorry I snapped.”

“No you’re – you have every right to.”

“I should’ve listened.”

“I didn’t talk.”

“Should’ve asked then. I know something’s wrong, Adam. I just thought that with time you’d come to me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Just talk to me. Please.”

We both stay quiet for long minutes. I keep thinking about what the best way to break the news to him is. “I feel ugly.” Well. That’s one way to put it. Maybe blurting it out was the best way to approach the subject, but when Sauli pushes me away a little and looks at me with a shocked face – it probably wasn’t. “I mean –”

“You’re not ugly!”

“Well, I don’t mean ugly persé. I don’t mean _me,_ just… me.”

“Why would you –” it’s easy to point out the moment realization hits him. “Oh.” He seems to be thinking. Can’t blame the man. I wouldn’t know how to respond either. “No. Jesus, Adam. That changes _nothing_.”

“It changes _everything._ ”

“No it doesn’t!”

“I have a fake ball, Sauli!” Sauli bites his lip. Hard. I can see he’s trying really hard not to laugh, but giggles win and escape. “It’s not funny.”

“No it’s not”, he smirks, still trying hard not to laugh, but eventually giggles win. “I’m sorry. I know, it’s just… your _face._ ”

“Fuck you”, I snicker and push my blushing cheeks against his chest.

He clears his throat and presses his lips against the top of my head, pressing sweet little kisses on it. “I don’t care about your balls.”

I look at him in feigned shock. “That’s a lie.”

He laughs and scrunches op his nose. “If they’re fake or not is what I mean.”

I sigh. “Yeah.”

“Adam. I really don’t.” I find it hard to really look at him when I know for a fact that he’s telling the truth and I’m just being a big baby about this. I can hear it in his voice. “Baby, look at me.”

His fingers under my chin don’t force me to look at him, but that’s exactly what it makes me do. “That’s why you’re sleeping with your boxers?”

I nod, suddenly ashamed.

“Does it still hurt?”

“No.”

“Okay. That’s good.” I hum. “If you feel more comfortable with boxers, that’s completely fine, baby. I’m not going to force you to wear them. Just know that it doesn’t matter to me, okay? I love you no matter what, and nothing has changed. If anything, this taught us both that anything can happen at any time and I’m really thankful that you’re healthy again. You had cancer, Adam, so what if they had to remove your testicle because of it. You’re here and I love you. I love you a whole fucking lot, baby.”

“I love you, too”, I whisper in tears. “I love you so fucking much and I’m so sorry.”

“Come here”, he whispers teary-eyed while pulling me closer.

 

\--

 

“Will you let me show me how much I do not care?”

I don’t move. “Sauli.”

“Let me make love to you, Adam”, he whispers sly, seductive, horny and above all, caring. He’s doing this for me rather than for him and so I have to kiss him before I nod. I trust no one like I trust him.

Sauli disappears under the sheets and soon enough proves that nothing changed. Not to him. He sucks and licks and kisses as if his life’s depending on it, never crossing that fine line between loving and horny. He’s caressing me instead of wanting to be done quickly, which I’m entirely sure is something to be happy about because when I whimper and he does nothing to finish me off, I want to curse at him and tell him to stop teasing. But with every featherlike touch, another doubt in my mind disappears. And when I come with his name leaving my lips, he keeps kissing my left (fake) testicle over and over and over again until I have to basically pull him back up because it seems as if he wouldn’t stop.

I love him.

When my breathing has slowed down he asks: “You want your boxers back?”

I love him _so fucking much._ He has a way of asking things without asking them.

“I’m okay. Thank you.”

“Good. You’re beautiful, Adam. Everything about you is fucking _breathtaking._ ”

I can’t help but blush. “Thank you, baby.”

Sauli pecks my lips. “Now we can sleep. All is good.” He clarifies that statement by letting his hand slip over my bare hip and pelvis.

“I promise to thank you properly in the morning, but I’m so tired right now.”

Sauli smiles and kisses my cheek. “Sleep, old man.”

I could find a cheeky comeback, one that would leave Sauli smirking and blushing at the same time. It would also result in another round right now, and even though the doctor gave us the all clear to have sex, he was very clear in not overdoing things for the next couple of weeks for reasons I don’t want to repeat. It was as if we were having the sex talk from our parents all over again.

So instead, I just huff, pull him close and squeeze him breathless for a couple seconds. “Goodnight, babe.”

“Night, rakas.”

It’s not perfect, I’m not (emotionally) healed, but after tonight, I know I’ll get there with Sauli eventually. And it’ll be good.

It will be perfect.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, all mistakes are mine :)  
> Hope you liked it!


End file.
